History Abhors a Vaccuum - The 8 Facts You Need To Know To Sound Brilliant About Football for Work Conversations

11:40 am - The 8 Facts You Need To Know To Sound Brilliant About Football for Work Conversations

This is something I have told to friends before, but it became relevant again recently, so I've decided to post it to my LJ.

Years ago, a friend of mine, an non-sports geek like myself, became concerned that he couldn't participate in a lot of the small talk conversations at work because those conversations almost inevitably opened with football before moving on to other topics. It was the opener de facto and the key to the "old boys network." Of course, as he didn't like football, actually learning about it was not something he wanted to do. So, after many test conversations at jobs, he and I worked out the absolute minimum set of data necessary to get through football season. There is some on-going tracking that you have to do during the season, but the system is designed so that you only have to read one sports news article every Monday morning.

Now, society normally distinguishes "geek" from "jock", but here I use the distinction "sports geek" and "non-sports geek". Many of those co-workers with whom you will have this conversation will be equally conversant with Feynman, Asimov, Tolkien, Chaucer or Motzart. They simply have an interest in sports as well, or they have adapted to the societal structure that puts sports at our cultural center. The latter is exactly what you're attempting to do by following this process... acknowledge the "security protocols" that authenticate you as a real American so that you can have other conversations.

During the regular season you need 4 facts:

1. You need to know the name of a team in college football. I *strongly* recommend picking your college alma mater, especially if your school was big on football. It makes the whole process easier (facts such as where the home stadium is located should be already known, even if you don't know where on campus the building is exactly). You'll quickly discover various nicknames for your team -- they'll become obvious from context as others use them, but for your alma mater you may already know them. Note: The process does not work if you pick a pro team. When the topic of football comes up and someone asks you about a pro team, your answer is, "Oh, I only follow college football." This is an acceptable answer which may be given without loss of face.
   
2. You need to know the score of the previous game. Here's were we come to that news article on Monday morning. Before going to work, use news.google.com or your favorite site and find out what happened. College teams play on Saturday. Find the score so you know whether you won or lost. None of the rest of the details of the game are critical, though as you do this frequently, you may absorb some of the surrounding factoids.
   
3. You need to know the name of the team they will play next. This is nearly always in that same article, towards the end. The whole season schedule is another good source for this info, also easy to find.
   
4. You need to know the overall season win/loss record for your team. That is, how many games they won, followed by how many games they lost. This is not a fraction of "games won over total number of games." Do not attempt to be clever and calculate percentage of games won. Leave that to those who follow the sport avidly. Throwing such sophisticated math into the conversation gives co-workers the impression that you know more than they do, which changes the tone of the conversation and leads to questions you won't be able to answer.

Alright... let's practice...

GUY: "Did you see the Dallas game on Sunday?"	Note that the game wasn't on Saturday, and there is no 'state' or 'university' in the name of the team. This is a dead give away that you've been asked about a non-college football team (probably pro, rarely high school).
YOU: No. I only follow college football. I try to keep up with how University of Oklahoma is doing.	This construction is a bit stilted, but acceptable. As you acquire nicknames for the team, it will flow better.
GUY: You went to OU? How about them Sooners?	Note the nicknames.
YOU: Well, they did pretty good last weekend.	This example assumes they won. DO NOT USE THIS PHRASE IF THEY LOST THE GAME unless you have mastered "sports sarcasm" which is different than literary sarcasm. It requires an over exaggeration and should be attempted only by the advanced sports geek.
GUY: Yeah. That catch in the 4th quarter by Mason was amazing. He never should've been able to recover like that, but that's why he's getting all the looks.	Notice how the details of the game are supplied by the co-worker. Parsing this is not necessary. From tone of voice, you can guess that Mason is someone on the team (they are all men) and that he did very well late in the game. Limited extrapolation from the score is possible but only if you've progressed to figuring out some of football's more arcane scoring procedures. For the beginner, keep it simple by acknowledging what your co-worker has said.
YOU: I just hope he can do it again next week against Texas A&M.	"Texas A&M" is the team they will play next week.
GUY: It would be better if he didn't have to make a last minute save like that again. If your quarterback would just throw to Mason more often, you'd score more. I don't know why Stoops doesn't do something about it.	Do not take offense at the tone here. The speaker will frequently use "your quarterback" and phrases like this, and by tone of voice indicate that it is your fault that the quarterback isn't doing whatever. The presumption is that you as a "fan" have some mythical connection to the team and that somehow the collective will of the fans around the nation synthesize to determine the score each Saturday. There are teams, such as the aforementioned Texas A&M, that take this to the cult level. Just go with it.
YOU: Well, they're doing pretty good without changing anything. Maybe Stoops just doesn't want to risk messing up a 10 win 1 loss record.	And now we introduce the running tally for the season. Who the heck is Stoops? Doesn't really matter. From context we know he can do something to the quarterback.
GUY: I suppose you're right. Still, it seems strange to not use Mason more.	It is your alma mater that is being discussed. Just as you take blame above, your opinion on what to do with your team will generally be accepted UNLESS you try to make some statement about them being able to beat the other guy's team. Never do this. Always use "I hope they can beat X." or "They really need a win against X." Avoid even sounding like it is possible in most cases.
YOU: I agree. So, did you happen to see that article on slashdot about Microsoft?	Always have your segue prepared. To the untrained, this may seem like a jarring transition. However, it is may be regarded as finishing the communication handshaking protocol and now moving to the actual message.

The above is just one example conversation. It is easy to devise variants as time goes on. You can also have some weeks where you carefully ask for facts about your co-worker's favorite team instead of being grilled about yours. Allow about 5 SEND/ACK pairs before switching topics.

There are 4 additional facts for post-season games:

As football season draws to a close, college sports ends with a bunch of "bowl games." There's a lot of excitement (among sports geeks) about a team getting invited to play in a bowl game, and bowl games determine the overall "National Champion" for college football. In the post-season, there are four new facts that you have to learn. Even if your team is not going to a bowl game (you'll know this because it'll be mentioned in that Monday morning article at some point) you should still learn fact #1 and fact #4, although "My team is done for the season." works remarkably well (say it with a sad expression).

The four post-season facts are:

1. The name of your quarterback. He's one of the guys on the team. Generally he's a star of some sort and gets all sorts of comments in the news stories. Finding his name will be easy.
   
2. The name of the bowl game to which your team is going. There are some easy ones like "Cotton Bowl" or "Orange Bowl" and funny like "Sugar Bowl." But then you get the "San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl." Get the full name, though mostly you'll use a shortened version of it. A lot of them have corporate sponsors in the start of the name.
   
3. The name of the team that will play against you in the bowl game.
   
4. The phrase "Goddamn that BCS Bowl Computer!" You DO NOT need to know what this means. Learn the phrase and use it judiciously.

Example:

GUY: Hey, Sooner man. So, coming up on the end of the season. Do you think your quarterback will get the Heisman Award?	By end of seaason, some sports geeks may have confused your identity with that of the team. If you start doing this in your own mind, seek help quickly. But in any case, focus on the question asked. At some point you may figure out what the Heisman is. For now, from context we know it is an award the quarterback is eligible for. If asked about awards for any other position on the team, move conversation back to the Heisman with statements like, "I don't know about that. What about the Heisman? What teams have the best chance there?" The others almost never come up.
YOU: Who, Jones? I think he has a good shot.	"Jones" is the name of your quarterback. Remember, never assert a definite. You never know if the co-worker is cheering for the other team, and confrontation leads to debate, which exposes a lack of sports knowledge.
GUY: We'll see. He was good enough to get OU to the Orange Bowl this year.	By the end of the season, nicknames should be known.
YOU: Well, with that 13 to 1 record, they were definitely going somewhere.	Tricky... this avoids the whole conversation of what other possibilities were.
GUY: Yeah. I think they really deserve the National Championship.	Again, the mythic connection to team that the voting by the fans affects the outcome. Honestly, this is something I support. In the long term, I hope it helps our species develop telepathy and other cool talents.
YOU: Me too. Though Miami is going to be a good opponent.	Do not posit a probability one way or the other. Only hope.
GUY: Man, my guys should be the ones playing against you in that game. USC was totally gypped on that deal.	USC is probably the name of a school (most 'U' acronyms are), and he's upset about his team not going to a particular bowl game, and has implied that it was close. These are the key indicators for your trump card.
YOU: Goddamn that BCS Bowl Compuer!	Say it with emphasis, even anger. Practice with a mirror to look fierce.
GUY: You said it! Two measly decimal points, and they don't even factor in...	Let him rant for a bit. This is obviously a co-worker who is a sports geek. Most geeks have had a friend who went on and on about their latest role-playing game, or who are going to give you all the details of some video game. Treat this rant with the same "half an ear" style and after an acceptable amount of time, cut it off.
YOU: But, that's just how it goes. It's a new season next year.	Master stroke... even in the darkest days when football season is ending, there is hope that the game shall be born anew. It's like promising that there will be another Star Trek film, or that Linux will someday dominate the desktop.
GUY: You're right, I suppose.	Pause for a moment of silent reflection.
YOU: In the meantime, I have a design proposal I want to discuss with you."	The transition from football can be to something work-related. This is the same segue option that you used during the regular season.

And that's it. This procedure reduces to a minimum the labor involved to remain a functioning member of the social hierarchy. And always remember, as my fraternity brother electrichobbit once said, "In the old days, a geek would ask, 'Football? What is football?' But today's modern geek says, 'GOOGLE! Find keyword football!'"